Regaining honesty in recovery

Since I was little I grew up hearing things like "honesty is the best policy," "never tell a lie" and “once you tell a lie all your truths are questionable” I lived by these rules. Honesty was really important to me. It was one of my best qualities. I never lied and I hated being lied to. I was respected for my honesty and everyone knew I was reliable. My friends felt like they could tell me anything and my parents trusted me with everything.

I soon learned that things can change very quickly.

Because of my ED (eating disorder) I was no longer honest. My ED stole everything from me, my friends, my hobbies, my relationship with my family and especially my honesty. While I was in the worst of my ED the quotes about being honest went down the drain and were instead replaced with "I already ate," "I’m allergic to that," "I don't know what you heard but I did NOT throw up." These flat out lies were the new catchphrases of my life and each time I lied I became a bit less sensitive to lying. Everything about my ED was awful, it all hurt me but the loss of my honesty was extremely painful for me. It scares me how quickly I went from one of the most reliable and virtuous person I know, to a sneaky, lying person. Suddenly, my parents began questioning everything I said. I lost their trust and that crushed me.

In the beginning of the recovery process I thought I could get through it quicker by bluffing and pretending I was better when I really wasn’t. To put it simply, that did NOT work. All my feelings just built up instead and just caused more problems that needed to be fixed. I realized I would only be able to recover if I was honest about my feelings. Now, a year into recovery, I am still trying to go back to that honest girl who believed in the saying “honesty is the best quality,” and regain the trust of my parents. 

SH