Why am I worth recovery from this condition?
This is a hard one!
I can tell you why I MUST recover from this mess.
I could also say that I WANT to get back on track and be healthy. I may even be able to explain how I owe it to myself and why I DESERVE to nurture and take care of myself.
But why am I WORTH it? What IS my worth? How in fact does one measure human worth...?
Since forever I've been a people pleaser. Always doing and helping. The classic 'good girl'.
This made me feel worthy.
I took this trait with me into my marriage. I was a great wife/good mother as long as I was giving, nurturing or otherwise putting myself out for my family.
But strangely, instead of getting satisfaction I was burning out....
With the help of my therapist I came to realise that I can't love if I don't love myself. I can't nurture if I don't nurture myself. I can not give on an empty tank!
I came to realise that doing for myself is not selfish.
Now, here's where I got stuck.
If doing for myself is only in order to give more/ better, does that always have to be my end goal?
Can I do for myself if I am the only one to gain.
Am I worth recovery only if it makes me a better giver?!?
And then, last week, with the help of G-d the penny dropped.
It was one of those crazy days where I didn't stop for a second. And yet, I took the time to make my family a nourishing and tasty lunch.
And then it struck me. Am I taking care of them because of what they're going to do next? Do I want them to have energy in order to be able to help me. Do I meet their needs depending on their performance. And the answer is obviously a resounding NO. I'm looking after them simply because I love them and I want them to feel good.
And then I stopped and asked myself, 'Why am I different?'
Am I not a beloved daughter of G-d?
Surely He wants me to be taken care of in the most optimal way, simply because He loves me!
And more than that!
I have a soul, a piece of G-dliness inside me!
THIS is my intrinsic worth!!!
(Perhaps I can add to my value by bringing light and goodness into the world. But my base worth will always remain)
My soul, my source of life, is more precious than all the diamonds in the world!!
My body is the miraculous gift without which my soul would not be able to achieve its perfection.
When I abuse my body, I am essentially, degrading my soul.
I am taking the diamond and grinding it into dust.
If G-d saw fit to bestow ME with this most precious gem- the gift of LIFE, I must be worth the time and effort neccessary to chip away at the impurities and allow myself to shine!