And Life Gets Better

By Anonymous

In the midst of the darkness

People always say,

“Life gets better.”

And I smile the sad little smile

And nod my head in agreement

 

But really, deep down

I’m not thinking that life will get better,

All I’m thinking is how life can get worse

My brain is going through every possible bad scenario

Replaying it over and over a million times in my head

“You’re stuck in this bad place forever” it tells me,

“Stop trying, you might as well give up now,” It says

 

But somehow, someway I found a way to push through

Push through the anxiety that’s constantly talking to me

Push through the eating disorder voice telling me I’m not worth it

Push through the depression begging me to stay in bed

Pushing, pushing, pushing

It takes all my energy

All day, every day, I’m just pushing through

 

Then slowly it stops becoming such a struggle,

The days get easier

The load feels lighter

The sun shines brighter

It sounds cliché but it’s true

Life did really get better

 

I started laughing more,

Hanging out with my friends

Spending time with my family

Spending time with myself

Enjoying what life has to offer

 

One session I was sitting with Iris and she said,

“So would you consider yourself in recovery?”

That sentence made me stop short,

Made my heart skip a beat,

“Me, Recovered?”

 

Admitting that I was in the recovery was hard

Much harder than I thought it would be

It meant giving up my eating disorder for good

Giving up what “comforted” me for so long

It meant actually feeling, not just numbing

And that scared me more than one can imagine

 

But after that initial fear,

After I owned my recovery,

I felt freer than the wind

I felt invincible

 

Now living in recovery is beautiful

I’m not saying it’s not hard

It is-very hard

Some days I struggle a lot

Some days not as much

But I can see now how life is good

It does get better

The hard parts don’t leave but they start to fade  

They become less important

Instead, I can focus on the positive

The wonderful, happy parts of life

 

I don’t think that I ever won’t struggle

There will always be a part of my brain fighting against me

But I know now that I don’t have to listen to it

I am strong

I am a fighter

And I can decide how to build my life

And I choose to make it beautiful

Because even though I’ve been through darkness

What the people say is true,

Life really does get better